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Different Face Of The Lord Of The Rings

If I were to tell you the true story behind the unmaking of that ring.../that ring!/...you would think me mad. Horrors such as are scribed in ancient tomes of eldritch evil cannot compare to the terror...the cruel, cold, braincrushing terror!...that we felt in the lair of that foul spirit which raimed itself in arachnid form, that vile scavenger, that horrid arcane leech lingering at the border's of Sauron's Black Land...

"I am no longer Gandalf the Grey," the wizard intoned, his white stillrobes glistening in the day's heat. "Through the Trial of the Balrog I came close to death, but now the sleeper has awakened! I shall now be called ... Gandalf-Muad'Dib, the Mithrandir, the Lisan Al'Maia!"

Sam: Come on, let's leave this place. Merry: We can't. Sam: Why not? Merry: We're waiting for Frodo. Sam: Ah! (Pause) You're sure it was here? Merry: What? Sam: That we were to wait. Merry: He said by the tree. (They look at the tree.) Are there any others? Sam: No, they were all torn down by Saruman. What is it? Merry: I don't know. An Ent. Sam: I don't see any leaves. Merry: It must be dead.

On this particular evening, something changed hands quietly in the back of a hobbit-hole in the Shire many miles from the dark realm of Mordor. A small, metallic something. Something which could be accurately described as a circular loop of shining metal.
The land of Middle Earth was almost oblivious to the change of ownership, which was wonderful for the two parties concerned. The trade went unnoticed among the citizens of Rivendell, it escaped the Nazgul completely, and even the dark lord himself continued straight on with his day without noticing. This was a pity for him, because it was exactly the thing he had been searching for all these years.

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of Eriador lies a small unregarded countryside. In this land is an utterly insignificant little green town whose men-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think smoking is a pretty neat idea. This town has--or rather had--a problem, which was this: most of the people living in it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of lots of small birthday gifts, which is odd becuse on the whole it wasn't the gifts that were unhappy. And so the problem remained; lots of the people were mean, and most of them were miserable, even the ones with weed-pipes. Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all made a big mistake in coming from Bree in the first place. And some said that even Bree had been a bad move and that no one should ever have left the Anduin.

And there is more

"But I dont have no wings" said the Balrog dumbly
"Use a broomstick you fool" snarled professor Sauron and swiftly left the classroom.

"Fascinating, Captain. It appears to be an unknown creature that lurks in the pool waiting for passing strangers. Ecologically implausible, captain."
"Do you know what it is?"
"I believe I said it was unknown, Dr Gimli. Logically, if I knew what it was, then it wouldn't be unknown."
"Cap'n, we're in some sort of temporal warp, stretching and deforming the plot. The snow should take place a day before our encounter with this beastie."

IT WAS the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way- in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Gandolf: It was the year of fire, Sauron: The year of destruction, Aragorn: The year we took back what was ours. Halidir: It was the year of rebirth, Frodo: The year of great sadness, Boromir: The year of pain, Eowen: And a year of joy. Aragorn: It was a new age. Galadrial: It was the end of history. Elrond: It was the year everything changed. Gollum: The year issss...the year I losstss my Preciousss again. Filthy Hobbitssses. Losssst! Treebeard: The... place...., Middle..... Earth

this one is very Stansilaw Lem like in style and spirit:

Frodo had inherited
the device. It was the original SR001 model, made in the technomagical
laboratory of Sauron Industries, and the most powerful of the nano
rings. Earlier models, such as the HR009?s and DR007?s had been built
by the combined team of Sauron Industries and Celebrimbor Research. CR
had gone on to make the ER003?s, with an in-built genetic pattern
matching capability limiting their effectiveness to Elves and minor
demi-gods. Unfortunately, CR had used sub-molecular patternform
techniques developed by Sauron Industries, little realising that these
had trapdoors, designed by SI patternform programmers, that allowed
later nano rings, such as the SR001, to assume command and control
functions. Even so, these devices were powerful and much sought after
by specialists and while the SR001 was lost and inoperative, the
ER003?s were much used.

Gandalf was a Maiar combat operative, or Istari, with specialist
mini-people knowledge and enhanced firepower capabilities. When he
discovered what Frodo had, he sent Frodo and a support team of dietary
consumption specialists (a.k.a. ?hobbits?) to take the SR001 to the
remote mountain magical-industrial complex of Rivendell Life Sciences,
where the Elvish researchers working for Elrond, chief executive and
main stockholder in Rivendell Life Sciences, would develop a policy for
dealing with it. Gandalf would travel separately, relying on his
personal bio-transport unit, Shadowfax, to get him there.
 Frodo and hobbits encountered a number of Sauron Industries?
biomagical weapon systems on the way. Some, like the mutant lignin life
form living in the Old Forest, were very early models, dating back to
SI?s predecessors MorgothCorp and Angmar Biomagic. Others were SI?s own
creations. Deadliest were the Nearly Autonomous Zo?Genetically
Upgraded Lifeforms, or NAZGULs. These were sentient biomagical
constructs, based on human DNA, equipped with visible and IR radiation
detectors, as well as?

<many pages of design specifications for NAZGULs, ORCs (Opponent
Repression Construct), WARGs (Wolf, Augmented Rideable Grade) and other
Middle Earth creatures later?>

? ?Damn,? said Aragorn, as he examined Frodo?s wound.
?Looks like you?ve been infected by a synthetic virus of some sort.?

?What do you mean?? asked Frodo. ?He stabbed me with a dagger and the point broke.?

?Yes, but the dagger was just the insertion device. The tip was designed
to break off and infect you with the virus.?

Aragorn checked his diagnostic kit?s readouts. The kit recognised
the virus but since it was so old, a Gondor SX004a, standard issue to
Gondoran squaddies three hundred years ago, Aragorn knew it could only
delay, not cure the infection. Frodo?s life signs did not look good ?
raised heart and respiration rates, low blood glycogen levels,
fluctuating core body temperature ? suggesting the virus was acting
quickly.

?It?s a mutated retrovirus, developed by Sauron Industries from
earlier MorgothCorp models,? Aragorn told Frodo.  ?Basically, the virus
re-writes the genetic code in cells of the hypothalamus, making you
more susceptible to external suggestions.??

<? the reader yawned. The technobabble was getting to him. If
there were too many descriptions of exotic, imaginary gadgets and the
book would be closed, for good?>

? Elrond, CEO of  Rivendell Life Sciences made the keynote speech
at the conference. He presented the basic options open to the opponents
of SI?s plan for corporate dominance. Input from Gandalf and the RLS
special projects team contributed to the final plan.

Frodo would go to Mordor, SI?s technology park and use the powerful
Orodruin geothermal furnace to destroy the SR001. Frodo accepted the
mission. A combat team would escort him. It consisted of Aragorn,
special forces operatives seconded from Gondor, Erebor and Mirkwood and
the dietary consumption specialists. Gandalf would be OC with Aragorn
as his XO.

Frodo was given a suit of KDC308v combat armour. The suit,
developed by the now defunct Khazad Dynamics armament works, was made
out of MITHRIL (Micro Injected Titanium High Resistance Integrated
Links). It was one of Middle Earth?s best pieces of kit. He was also
given a Standard Target Identification Neo-Glaive or STING personal
weapon, with special circuitry to detect any system showing Sauron
Industries? technomagic signature.

Aragorn had his own personal weapon, an ANDURIL (Anti Nano DNA ?

<? the reader jerked awake. Shame, he thought, once he had
gathered his thoughts. Nice plot but the mock technology was getting in
the way. He closed the book and looked for something else to read?>

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

--William Blake

Come on, baby, light my fire

--The Doors

1. Gandalf Takes A Fall
Standing there, in the dark, Frodo Baggins reckoned he knew a lot about fear. He had begun to find out about it after The Party (and everyone said it that way, The Party, so you could hear the capital letters), when he had been come into possession of a certain ring, a very precious one, oh yes friends and neighbors.
And when he became aware that there really were shambling dark riders that came a-hunting Hobbits--that they were real, not just stories told by firelight to scare young Hobbits in their dark holes, why, then, fear had become his constant companion, closer even than Sam. Sam, who stood beside him in the dark with the others as the sound of distant drums echoed crazily through the caverns, sounding for all the world like a demented rock and roll band.

The King of the Nazgul (KotN) fingered the safety buckle that secured the shortsword in it's scabbard. It was modeled after the /Gladius/ design, making it wholly inadequate for going up against Elven armour, but it was perfectly suited for being jammed in the collarbone of a Hobbit 'merc, without calling too much attention to it's owner. His XO, "Camel" Khamul had used a similar weapon in numerous CoIN missions in North Gondor, where he had been sent to disrupt "Elrond's" supply fellowships sneaking down the Is-ild-ur trail. The KotN smiled, even without a head. This mission was almost going to be a mead-run. Taking out a squad of sleeping halflings was going to be easier than slaying Wyvyrns sitting on a tarmac...

Eowyn felt her heart flutter when she saw him. His raven hair flew in the breeze off the plain, and his piercing eyes caught her gaze as if by magic. He bore a kingly attitude; surely he was a prince. Her mind turned to forbidden things, things which would be forbidden to the King's niece, but surely allowed for a free shieldmaiden. She knew that she was made to love this ranger.

It's 200 miles to Mount Doom, we've got a full pack of lembas, no pipe-weed, it's dark and we're wearing elf-cloaks.

There's a ranger who knows
All that glitters's not gold
And he's guiding a hobbit
To Mordor

When he gets there he knows
If the Black Gate is closed
With a sword he do what he came for.
Ooh, ooh, and he's guiding a hobbit
To Mordor.

There's a sign on Khazad-dum
But he wants to be sure
'Cause you know sometimes runes have two meanings.
In a tree by the falls, there's an elf lass who sings;
Sometimes all of her hopes are misgiven.
Ooh, it makes him wander.
Ooh, it makes him wander.

There's a feeling she gets
When she looks to the west
And her spirit is crying for leaving.
In her thoughts she has seen
Rings of smoke through the trees
And the ranger is fighting the goblins.
Ooh, it makes him wander.
Ooh, it really makes him wander.

And it's whispered that soon
The Rohan riders will swoon
For the worm tongue will lead them to treason.
And the new day won't dawn
For those who fight long,
But the forests will echo with entmoot.

If there's a traitor in the fellowship
Don't be alarmed now,
It's just a vision by the elf queen.
Yes, there are two paths you can go by
But after Moria
You must determine which road you're on.
And it makes you wander.

Your head is humming and it won't go
It case you don't know.
The ring is calling you to take it.
Dear ranger can you hear the wind blow
And did you know
Your stairway lies through the paths of dead?

And as you wind on the down road
The Shadow taller than your soul
There walks a hobbit we all know
Who shines white light where cobwebs grow
And always bears that band of gold.
And if you listen very hard
The reign will come to you at last
Wherefore Arwen and Elessar
Will tie the knot and be made whole.

And he's guiding a hobbit to Mordor

I waited for Sam for three-quaters of an hour, then went looking for him. Finally, I rounded a bend and there he was stumbling toward me, wild haired and nearer hysteria than I have ever seen a grown hobbitt. It was hard to get the full story out of him in a coherent flow, but I gathered he had thrown many items from his pack over a cliff in a temper. "What did you get rid of?" I asked, trying not to betray too much alarm. "Heavy f*cking sh*t, that's what! The rope, the pots and pans, the little box from Galadriel, I don't know what all. F*ck!"
"The food from Farmir?"
"Flung"
"The water bottle?"
"Flung"
"The lembas?"
"Flung far!"

This was begining to sound a trifle grave...

The ring is clearly a symbol of the mother-figure with which the bearer feels the irresistable urge to thrust his finger (obviously a phallic symbol). The ensuing penetration of the ring is accompanied by a deep sense of elation but also a deep sub-concious shame manifested by the sudden invisibility. The ring wearer does not want others to witness his shaming fetish but is also, at the same time, acutely aware that a sudden disappearence must bring acute attention upon him. Therefore, the ring bearer must find a private moment in which to succumb to the guilty pleasure of the ring.

Last week on Fellowship Island:

The seemingly unshakable Hobbit Alliance sealed the fate of bossy Gandalf at the Elven Council. Voted out 7-2, the wily wizard was thrown off the Bridge of Khazad Dhum with a Balrog.
Stay tuned for the excitement this week...
(...) Merry: Shhh!! here comes Elf-boy.
Legolas: Greetings my friends... I just wanted to let you know that it may be in your best interest to vote for Boromir. I've seen him looking rather greedily at the Immunity Ring. Gimli and I are thinking he's too strong to keep around. Again, just letting you know...
(...) Saruman: "That's 2 votes Pippin, 4 votes Boromir.... The next vote is: Boromir. Boromir, the Fellowship has spoken. Kill him, my fighting Uruk-hai!"

MIDDLE EARTH - Denouncing what they called a "dreadful
injustice," Middle Earth's evil beings made a public demand yesterday
that Frodo Baggins return the One Ring to them as soon as possible.

"It's generally known that the Ring belongs to me," said hideous evil
overlord Sauron, flanked by nine hooded attorneys. "I'm simply asking
for what's rightfully mine. Not only is the Ring my property, but its
loss prevents me from pursuing my livelihood of world domination and
enslavement."

Evil Characters Demand Return of The One Ring:

I don't want to get off on a rant here, but it seems to me that this whole ring thing has gotten just a bit out of hand. Sauron's going after the Ring of Power like a cracked out Rosie O'Donnell after a pair of Tom Cruise's used jockey shorts. He's got bigger rage issues than Bobby Knight trapped in a car pool with Carrot Top, Phyllis Diller, and Kathy Lee Gifford. I can't decide if Mordor looks more like Afghanistan during an air raid or Detroit on Halloween.

Laura: Okay, our next caller, you're on.

Caller: Hi, my name is Arwen. I'm in love with a younger man. However, I
think he's interested in someone more his own age. I was wondering -

Laura: How much younger are we talking about here?

Arwen: Well, he's in his 30's, and I'm nearing 1000. Anyway, my question
is -

Laura: What a minute! What are you doing running around with a man whose
over 900 years younger than you? What kind of sick freak shacks up with
an young chippie? Do you have some kind of self-esteem problem?

Arwen: Well, I'm an elf. We live a -

Laura: An ELF?! So you're one of those tree hugging hippie bastards
whose always stoned or on acid! No wonder he's interested in someone
else! Not only are you old enough to be his ancestor, you're probably
wandering into his house late at night wasted out of your mind from some
strange elfish ritual!

Arwen: That's not -

Laura: Shut up! I'm on a roll! My advice is that you date someone your
own age and for GOD'S SAKE stop dropping fairy acid. It adds years to
your skin. I should know. Next caller!(...)

Howard: What is it, Bababooie Baggins? Retarded halfling bowling, again?
We did that bit two days ago. I want the Scores girls.

Gary: Ok, boff, we've got these two chicks waiting to come on to plug
something about a ring.

Howard: Well, bring them in you idiot!

Robin: Hee hee hee hee.

Howard: Ok, there's these two really hot chicks walking in. The blonde
one has a really huge rack and the other looks just like Liv Tyler,
swear to God! Hey, what are your names?

Arwen: I'm Arwen and she's Galadriel.

Howard: So, Arwen, huh? Jeez, that's such a stripper name. You're really
hot. You must've been molested as a child or something.

Arwen: Umm, no.

Howard: Oh come on. All the really hot strippers have really messed up
childhoods. So, are you two lesbians? I want you two to kiss each other.

Robin: Hee hee hee!

Forum: General Questions
Thread Starter: Frodo23 (Post count: 3)
Title: How does on go about destroying a ring
Thread: Hey guys, my uncle recently gave me this wierd ring and I want
to get rid of it. When I put it on, I get all invisbile (sp?) and freaky
and stuff. I tried melting it and like cutting it but its too hard. Any
suggestions.

Johnz: Well, you could hop on an eagle and drop it off into Mount Doom,
thats pretty certain to destry it.

Feldor: Hey, why dont you dorp it into mount doom.

Feldor: Damn simulpost

and finally this gem about imorality

But Stryders girlfriend, Arwin helped him. She was a really pretty
elf, wit dark hair an pointed ears. She made the wrathes go away. But
then she and Stryder, who was tall dark an hansome were able to be
reunitted.

They are really in love, even though they're from different worlds. He's
a person and she's an elf, and socity probly frowns on that sort of
thing. But they loved each other so much that it didn't matter. Thier
pure love transended the laws. He took her into his arms and gave her a
long kiss. Then she gave him this thing thats supposed to be her
imorality. Thats about the most romantic thing ever!

created sat dec 28 2002 9pm cet [2002/12/28 CET] permalink

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